Day 0, Year 0
I got released with tremendous amount of substances for pleasure. All of them jumped in and dance and twisted. How am I? I don’t know about my own move. I got delayed by them kicking me off in the beginning. Since this is the first time for us to go through here, all we must not know the way and destination, but everyone competes to swim faster. Where is the ball? The ball might not be existed. We do not know what the ball is. We will mix into the ball. No, there is no mixing thing. All is ball. We heading on the ball are also a ball. Balls are mixed and become a ball, and the ball is divided and mixed into a ball again. Balls are things, and balls are will, and balls are energy. Borders seem to be existed among balls, however borders do not existed. Everything in the world does not exist and nothing, but the world blooms in the nothing. Everything is connected, and it is just one. The one is nothing, and it does not exist. The one is just changing its form. And, I am in it.
Day 1 His desire
When did I realize that I might be a so called “femdom nerd”? I had already noticed that I was timid and coward in the first or second grade. In my middle school time, I was frustrated about myself that I could not be aggressive for relationship with friends including female. I sadly knew I got sexually aroused by female leading or female dominating situation. However, it is in terms of internet porn.
I was thinking that stuff and zoning out. And I was walking a small path and noticed I always opened and give a way for others who were walking toward me. I felt it also proved my mental weakness. Then, I hate myself and people who did not noticed I opened the way for them.
At the time, I was going out to buy lunch boxes for his coworkers as I do every day. I always ask all coworkers in his section if they need a lunch box on the day before the lunch break, and I go out to buy lunch boxes almost every day alone. Nobody determined or assigned it is my job, but somehow it became my daily job in the lunch break. There are some younger workers in the section (*In Japanese culture, weird enough, younger people tend to be forced to devote something for older people.), there is no reason why only I have to go out to buy lunch boxes for coworkers everyday. But, younger coworkers pretend not to notice only I am going out to buy lunch boxes, so I reluctantly go out everyday.
By the way, in my company, people usually call each other with family name followed by “San”, but only I am called with my family name “Sano-kun” or just simply “Sano”.(In Japanese culture, “San ” is a polite way to call with name. “Kun ” is often used to younger people or their subordinate. Simply calling name without “san” or ”kun” are only for close relationship or subordinate in working situation ).
Even younger coworkers call me as “Sano-kun”. Moreover, I know my coworkers call me “femdom nerd” in behind with looking down meaning. I actually heard they say that several times. I pretend that I do not mind what people call me as, but actually, I keep caring about it so much in my mind. On the back way to home, I often keep thinking about that, and after getting home, I throw out some cursing words to myself in front of a mirror at home.
Speaking about me, I always call my coworkers’ name with “San” even for younger people, and I always use polite words to everyone. I thought everyone should mind how they are called their name since I myself secretly care about it. I do not want to make them uncomfortable by just how their names are called or without polite talking way. Moreover, I hate people use verbal communication to make sure their position or order in the group. I wanted to step away from the meaningless classification.
I do not feel I am especially bad for my job or study. I had trained body through club activity in school time. However, I cannot have confidence for anything. I guess people around me can tell that I do not have confidence and I am timid.
Suddenly, my zoning out got broken because it was my turn to pay money for the lunch boxes at the casher and an employee was staring at me. I considered few second if I should make eye contact with the employee or not, and I took time to pick up money in my wallet. I felt I was spending too much time to pay money, and I felt so hurry and worried about feeling of people who are waiting behind me in the line. Am I pretending well that I am a mature confident man? Even though I was carrying so many lunch boxes on my both hands, I am not forced to do so by coworkers. I told myself so to pretend to be a confident man.
After all, I felt no good since nobody say “thank you” to me after I got back to the office with 12 lunch boxes. But I did not know if the bad feeling is for my coworkers or for myself who mind the small thing. Since my coworkers did not come to pay for the lunch, I started eating at my seat. And then, they came to pay with just big bills. Every time they came to pay, I stopped eating and say thank you to them. I frustrated again that the person who are supposed to say “thank you” is not me but them! Since I stopped eating whenever they came to pay, I finished eating later than anyone else in the office and my lunch break got over. I do not understand why I have to prepare to give them change since they bring only big bills to pay. A worse thing is always someone forget to pay for the lunch box to me. I am afraid they might feel I am stingy guy if I ask the person to pay, so I always wait for a while. I tell myself it is small amount of money and it is not big deal. But eventually, I asked to pay with weird smile and not funny joke. I hate myself as I look like a beggar for just small amount of money and a very stingy man.
After lunch break, I talk to my working partner who is my direct boss, and I tell her our project situation. I am not good at this woman because she always show arrogant attitude to me. Whenever I face on this woman, I always get so nervous even though I do not need to feel so. I did not know why I felt so nervous. She is just few years older than me and looks like a small rat. In a worst case that we need to fight, it would be totally over if I just punched her. However, I cannot control my chicken heart in front of her.
Actually, she is not a special case. At the first place, I get so nervous for whoever shows arrogant attitude to me. I know it is natural reaction for all human being. Even though I know the truth, it does not work to solve my timid feeling.
“Hey, Sano. Your way to file up documents is messy”
Her voice broke my zoning out.
“Oh, sorry. I did not care that much.”
Honestly, I do not care if it is messy or not. It is just for our inside memo record. The rat might have noticed my real feeling, so she got excited and started blaming me. But, her words did not come into my brain much, and my attention got focused how my coworkers look us right now.
Whenever the rat blames me, all of our coworkers pretend not to notice that. But, it is obvious they pay attention on our conversation since they stopped chatting and become quiet suddenly. I am really wondering how coworkers observe us “the two rats”.
Actually, I much more look like “a rat” than her. In weekends, I go into my dark deep nest, and I keep masturbating as if a famous experimented rat keep pushing a bar which is connecting his brain and make the pleasure substances released. No excuse because my best excitement and pleasure is masturbation. I do not drink alcohol, smoke or play with women. I love masturbation with porn than any other things. My biggest enjoyment is masturbation with porn which is matched with my femdom preference. I carefully pick up some porn in the internet ocean, and I edit them, and I spend all over night with touching my penis.
I know my face is always dark and not cheerful like a zombie. I protect my mind by pretending or lying to myself that I do not care what people think about me in this office.
However, in the last month, April, after Miss Kumagai started working in this section, I cannot stop thinking how she feels about me. She is a new employee, and she just graduated from school. She is young and beautiful. She is taller than me. Naturally, she gets attention in my office.
Usually, I do not care about hot females because I feel they are not related to me. But, I started to keep thinking about her after she talked to me once. Of course, I have some opportunities to talk with other female coworkers, but I feel nobody regard me as a man. Other female coworkers do not joke to me, do not smile to me, or do not compliment for me at all. However, Miss Kumagai talked to me with beautiful huge smile. So, I cannot help thinking about her.
I like girls who have big mouth physically. Exactly saying, I like the beautiful teeth when the big mouth smiles and opened. Miss Kumagai has the mouth and teeth. When I saw her smile with the beautiful teeth at the first time, the first thought came into my mind was my yellow messy teeth in the small mouth. The small mouth is half opened, and it tries to receive the pleasure of ejaculation as much as possible. I have looked my own face and mouth while masturbation and ejaculating moment by using mirror putting next to my PC. I remembered the face and the mouth when I saw her smile. So, I could not look at her smile, and I stared at the floor.
I decided to quit masturbating. It is not because I would like to go out with her. I just thought my behavior and action was too miserable when she talked to me. But, I cannot deny it was a trigger for me to decide to quit masturbation. I had already known my life has been ruined by masturbation with porn. By devoting my life time for masturbation, I become no-motivation and no-emotion for anything. I even do not want to talk with anyone.
I do not know what effects will be brought by no masturbation, but according to some internet BBS, we all can change ourselves and our life by quitting that. I have also read some Buddhism books, and they say we can change the tremendous sexual desire power into another huge energy to achieve something in our life.
The day before yester, Sunday, I spent 15 hours for one ejaculation from the morning to the night. Yesterday, again, I did the same thing until 3 AM in the morning. With hating myself and feeling empty, I decided to quit masturbation. The penis has not started whispering to me.
To be continued in the next episode…